Official Dave Holidays HR Will Not Recognize

Your company calendar has eleven paid holidays and one mandatory fun day with a sheet cake. Daves observe a few more. Unpaid. Unapproved. Absolutely non-negotiable.

1. National "I'll Get To It" Day. Every Tuesday after a big weekend. Work happens in theory. In practice, Dave stares at one spreadsheet for four hours and calls it "deep work."

2. Group Chat Blackout. Someone asked who's bringing what. Dave replied with a thumbs-up from 2019, then muted the thread until Thanksgiving. That's not rude. That's survival.

3. Feast of the Gas Station Burrito. Lunch of champions and cowards. Eaten in the car. Regretted by 3 PM. Repeated next week like nothing happened.

4. Day of the Nod. Two Daves cross paths in a parking lot. No words, just a chin lift. HR calls it "unprofessional." Science calls it the only friendship men over 40 still maintain.

5. Closing Time (Observed Year-Round). The sacred hour when a Dave becomes emotionally available, financially reckless, and convinced he can still hit the high note in "Don't Stop Believin'." He cannot. Nobody stops him. Dress for it in the DAVE DRINKING hoodie.

6. The Unexcused Absence. The boss asks where Dave is. The answer is always the same: he's not here. He is, in fact, in the parking lot in his Get Out Of My Office hoodie, finishing that burrito.

If HR won't put these on the calendar, fine. History was never written by the Daves who filed the damn paperwork.

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